On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
