I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
