He disabled his match.com account in front of me
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
