This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
