The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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