Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
