Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Randomize
