Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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