Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
