Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
