hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Randomize
