omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
