"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
