i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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