I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
