its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
