Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
