just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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