I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
