my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
