brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
