my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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