the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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