someone threw a dead crab at me
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
