Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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