thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
