He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
