I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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