Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
