Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
