I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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