I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
