You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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