No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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