I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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