she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
