so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
