Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
