i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
