Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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