Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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