david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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