I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
