I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
