umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
