I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
