Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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