My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
