She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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