1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
