just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
